Paradigms

Or maybe I should call this memories. I had an conversation recently that made me think of the memories we hold onto, that shape us and make us who we are today. Memories of things that happen that change our paradigms. Often those tend to be painful things to remember. Not sure why that is, but as I've thought about it today, I've come to the conclusion that change often doesn't happen without some type of pain. And not all pain is bad.

I found it interesting that this subject would come up. Why, you might ask? Well, over the past few weeks I've pondered certain things, among them the changes that growing older brings. Remember when you were younger, and certain things seemed so easy, or came pretty naturally? An example of this might be reading something- why is it as you grow older your arms need to grow longer- and that never happens?

I was thinking specifically about weight lose. It used to be so easy to lose weight for me. Maybe that was because I spent a good portion of my adulthood battling anorexia. Not that I would have classified it as a battle, it was something I embraced wholeheartedly. This sounds pretty sick- but I enjoyed being a stick. Not that I thought of myself as a stick- or saw myself as one. Oh no, when I looked into the mirror I saw someone who was so fat, so obese, so disgusting. As I look back on photos of that long period of my life I know now that this wasn't true.

It might sound strange, but somewhere in the middle of that mess that was my life God touched me for the first time. It was a life changing moment. And it was painful. I didn't want to change the way I was, because I didn't see what was wrong with it. But God showed me, opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself. Can you imagine looking in the mirror and really seeing yourself as who you are? It was a shock to me- the experience of not seeing the obese person I thought I was, and instead the rail thin, malnourished person I had become.

I wonder why God touches us at certain times? Are these the times when we're too weak to go on, or the times when we're too stubborn to really see what it is we need? As I look back, I wonder why He saved me from myself? What purpose would, will He have me serve? And while I'm asking questions- why is it that I just can't seem to embrace the methods that served me well in the past in weight lose? Hmmm, I wonder if that means I've changed?

'Til Next time,
Blessings,
TC