Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Another Sweetest Day has come and gone, and with it came a realization of sorts. For the last couple of major holidays, and birthdays I've been a little disappointed when RW hasn't popped the "big question". But in many ways I've been very grateful that hasn't happened...because if it did, well I would have to think about what to do. And in that thought lies the realization... I'm very ambiguous on the subject of marriage.

Getting engaged sounds wonderful. But once you get engaged I guess at some time you have to, oh I don't know, really get married? I guess you can't just be engaged forever...even if it would work for you?

I'm really torn about this. I don't understand why it is I get (a little) upset about it. I really don't want to get married at this point. I mean, I love him totally. BUT (huge but) I've been single so long that, well, I like being single. I like not having to answer to anyone. Even though I guess I do "answer" to him on some level.

And then there's the differences... like I'm female and he's male. I know, I know, that makes for a great start. Sure would make sex something desirable, lol. But really, he's so male sometimes, not wanting to talk about feelings and such, and I'm so female, and wanting to talk. The way it is now, I can go home (to my own space) and get over the anger or upsetedness of not getting to talk on my own terms. Which is cool. Which I like.

And lets talk pets. I am totally a pet person. My dogs sleep with me. I like (usually) the fact that my dogs sleep with me. They really aren't dogs, they're people in disguise. I like my dogs/people. He's not a pet person. He has fish. Now, while I like his fish- especially the "wiggle" fish, they're fish. They don't cuddle with you. They don't wake you up at the crack of dawn because they need a kiss, or to go out.

And talk about opposites. I'm totally OCD about organization...and well, he's not. Places like Organized Living and IKEA are a little slice of heaven to me. I have one place- ONE- in my house where library books go. AND ONLY ONE. Which isn't him. And that's ok... for him. I like the fact that all the laundry gets done on one day and then put away. I've worked hard to instill that in my children. They get it, they get me. I'm anal, and it's ok. They still love me. Would he still love me if I freaked out because, OMG, it's Sunday and there's still laundry that's not done or put away?

And let's not mention that fact that well, hey, marriage- been there, done that, bought the tee shirt, AND OUTGREW IT. Now, I know that I got married at a young age, and divorced, and that my marriage wasn't what it should have been. I get that. I get that I also have grown, and have different ideals now than I had then. But it still remains that I failed. And I don't like failure. I don't handle it well. I don't want to fail again.

But there lies the fact that well, marriage would make things better in so many ways. I love him, and can't imagine life without him. I miss sex, and would someday love to share that with him... and that makes marriage a pre-req. Hmmm, what to do, what to do.

Maybe we could just get engaged for a long time and see where it went. I'm girly enough to want the ring. I guess God will lead us where we need to go. I'm sure there will be more about this to come. Ambiguity makes one think.


PS. The flowers were my Sweetest Day gift. They are lovely...and more than the card that I got him.