Tuesday, June 29, 2010


It's a perfect summer day out- every day should be this beautiful.

But the beauty doesn't overcome my sadness.

Today would have been Lori's 47th birthday.

When did I get so old.

I wish she could get old with me.

I miss her. Some days more than others. I can go days without thinking about her, and then something will remind me of some event, big or small, that she shared with me. And I miss her all over again.

I thought it would get easier as time passed, and in some ways I guess it does. I no longer pick up my phone to call her and share some silly tidbit of daily life with her. In fact, I don't remember her phone number anymore.  That makes me sad.

I would have traded places with her. I really would have. I thought about that over this past weekend, as I observed my twins in their stepbrother's wedding, and thought of how grown up they are, and how proud of them I am. And how proud of them she would have been- she helped raise them too.

And then I thought of her babies and how they were too young when she died to really remember her. I would have gladly traded places with her if it had meant she would have been able to raise her children. My kids are grown, and while they would miss me, they have all those memories of growing up with me.

Her kids don't, and won't.

It doesn't seem fair.

And it makes me sad.

Happy birthday Lori, wherever you are. I hope your spirit is happy and know that your are without pain. That's something.

The flowers are for you...