Simple Pleasures

In honor of National blogging month I'm going to try and do this every day this month. OK_ let me be the first to say I ALREADY MISSED A DAY. Oh well. I have good intentions.

Some of life's simple pleasures...

Matching all the socks in a load of laundry

A good meal and then a clean kitchen

morning kisses (from people and pets)

sunny fall days, and pretty falling leaves

lazy days off reading a good book

a day when my hands aren't hurting so much I can't function

I loves yous

til tomorrow....

ambiguity

Another Sweetest Day has come and gone, and with it came a realization of sorts. For the last couple of major holidays, and birthdays I've been a little disappointed when RW hasn't popped the "big question". But in many ways I've been very grateful that hasn't happened...because if it did, well I would have to think about what to do. And in that thought lies the realization... I'm very ambiguous on the subject of marriage.

Getting engaged sounds wonderful. But once you get engaged I guess at some time you have to, oh I don't know, really get married? I guess you can't just be engaged forever...even if it would work for you?

I'm really torn about this. I don't understand why it is I get (a little) upset about it. I really don't want to get married at this point. I mean, I love him totally. BUT (huge but) I've been single so long that, well, I like being single. I like not having to answer to anyone. Even though I guess I do "answer" to him on some level.

And then there's the differences... like I'm female and he's male. I know, I know, that makes for a great start. Sure would make sex something desirable, lol. But really, he's so male sometimes, not wanting to talk about feelings and such, and I'm so female, and wanting to talk. The way it is now, I can go home (to my own space) and get over the anger or upsetedness of not getting to talk on my own terms. Which is cool. Which I like.

And lets talk pets. I am totally a pet person. My dogs sleep with me. I like (usually) the fact that my dogs sleep with me. They really aren't dogs, they're people in disguise. I like my dogs/people. He's not a pet person. He has fish. Now, while I like his fish- especially the "wiggle" fish, they're fish. They don't cuddle with you. They don't wake you up at the crack of dawn because they need a kiss, or to go out.

And talk about opposites. I'm totally OCD about organization...and well, he's not. Places like Organized Living and IKEA are a little slice of heaven to me. I have one place- ONE- in my house where library books go. AND ONLY ONE. Which isn't him. And that's ok... for him. I like the fact that all the laundry gets done on one day and then put away. I've worked hard to instill that in my children. They get it, they get me. I'm anal, and it's ok. They still love me. Would he still love me if I freaked out because, OMG, it's Sunday and there's still laundry that's not done or put away?

And let's not mention that fact that well, hey, marriage- been there, done that, bought the tee shirt, AND OUTGREW IT. Now, I know that I got married at a young age, and divorced, and that my marriage wasn't what it should have been. I get that. I get that I also have grown, and have different ideals now than I had then. But it still remains that I failed. And I don't like failure. I don't handle it well. I don't want to fail again.

But there lies the fact that well, marriage would make things better in so many ways. I love him, and can't imagine life without him. I miss sex, and would someday love to share that with him... and that makes marriage a pre-req. Hmmm, what to do, what to do.

Maybe we could just get engaged for a long time and see where it went. I'm girly enough to want the ring. I guess God will lead us where we need to go. I'm sure there will be more about this to come. Ambiguity makes one think.

Blessings,
TC

PS. The flowers were my Sweetest Day gift. They are lovely...and more than the card that I got him.

Change

Ever want to change your life, but just don't know how? That's where I'm at right now. Something needs to change, I'm just not sure what.

Maybe I need a location change- wouldn't that be nice. Maybe somewhere nice and warm... high of 80 everyday and sunny, low of 50. I wonder if such a place exists?

For sure, a job change. I really need something more challenging.

Maybe a new house? Nah, probably not... I'm just now getting this one to the point where I really like it.

A new relationship? Nah, love the minister too much...but there are things I would change about it, if I could. More "us" time, a greater level of intimacy. I know, I knew what I was getting into dating a minister. Lots of other obligations, they work weekends, sex is a no-no, yada yada yada. And that's cool. I guess, well mostly cool. Kinda scary to think that to change that aspect means marriage. Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt AND OUTGREW IT!

A new hobby. Hmmm. I wonder if I can find a hobby that doesn't involve the use of my hands. They're pretty useless right now. Perhaps - a BIG perhaps- that's one of the reasons for the unrest right now. I really can't do anything without the constant pain. It gets old. I want it to change. Oh well, tests this week on the hands...hopefully that will bring a concrete diagnosis and treatment.
Pray for resolution. I need it.
Blessings,
TC

Ill and Abused

What a sorry looking plant, isn't it? I've had this plant for more than 20 years- longer than most of my adult relationships. It's moved with me 3 times. It's been through good times, when it was really healthy and growing big and strong. It started out in a little 4" pot and eventually grew big enough to be transplanted a number of times, finally ending up in the pot it's in- a pretty large planter. But it's not having a very good time right now. It kinda makes me sad, and I wonder if it's a reflection of certain aspects of my life. More on that topic at a later date.

Anyway, about 2 years ago it was huge- overflowing, with vines growing everywhere and bright green leaves. Last year when Jimmy passed away people sent planters, and I brought most of the plants home. I had 14 plants spread throughout the house, and this one made 15. I loved it. It felt like I was outdoors all the time. But all those nice plants that were sent to the funeral brought thing along with them besides sympathy. Among those things were spider mites. Let me tell you how gross those are. OK- well anything with the word spider in it is gross. I have major nightmares about spiders. I have one recurring nightmare that is just horrible. I'll share that one of these days- I try not to think about it because I'm afraid I'll "talk" it up.

Anyway- the SMites- I ended up having to throw away all of the plants that we received. That was pretty upsetting to me. I probably should have gotten rid of this one too, but hey, I've had it for so long. It's lasted longer than I was married. That means something to me. I know, it can't talk back, or argue with me. Probably why it's still here. It just sits there, and I can ignore it pretty much of the time. With my life that is a good thing. Unless you can demand my attention, chances are you aren't getting it.

Anyway, I started to make progress in bringing this back to life. It had some new growth, and some shiny green leaves. But then all of the sudden it started looking really bad again. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I hadn't changed anything I was doing. Well, I figured it out the other night...
...Seems that Madi, the princess and ruler of the house, has taken a liking to the leaves of this plant. She likes to chew on it. She likes to chew on everything but REALLY, REALLY likes the plant. I came into the living room the other day to find the 6lb chi sitting- yes SITTING, in the pot, ALONG with the plant, chewing on its stem.
So, this is all I have left of something I've had for more than 20 years. I had to do some serious trimming to get rid of all the vines Madi had broken and chewed on. It's so sad looking. One scrawny little vine.
I hope it comes back. And I hope that it's not poisonous to pups. As much as I want to strangle the princess for eating my plant- I kinda like having her around.
Anybody got any ideas on how to save a plant's "life"?
TC

I Know You Shouldn't Blog About Work...

HI! I've read enough blogs to know that you can get "dooced" about blogging about work. But I can't take it anymore!!!! My computers suck! Ok, so this isn't about people- good thing, since I don't want to get dooced- it's about hardware. Specifically, really OLD hardware. Even more specific- really old hardware that is driving me totally BONKERS!

I have 2 computers at my work station, the main being a Power Mac G4. A 2004 Power Mac G4 to be specific. With 256 RAM. Is anyone seeing the problem yet? Add to that I'm trying to run the Adobe suite CS3. I would love to upgrade to CS4 but... I'm on a OLD MAC. I can't even do any updates to the CS3 well because I keep getting a error message. Which totally sucks. Not to mention that when I try to print from Acrobat it cuts off half the page. I don't know why. Can't figure it out. It's really frustrating. And heaven forbid trying to have more than one app open and in use at once. Opening Photoshop means that I'm pretty sure that nothing else is going to work right. Just for an example. I had ID open today, and tried- really tried- to open a 256 kb Illustrator file. The color wheel spun for 10 minutes--- 10 MINUTES0 for 256kb. I was ready to scream!

And the PC- oh the wonderful PC. In case you can't tell that is pure, undulated sarcasm. With a cap S. Same suite on it, just works a whole lot slower, if that's possible. I won't even try to open more than one app- at least I can try on the MAC. Other problems with it- for some reason, which I can't explain, I can't print from my email. Which is pretty frustrating, when I need to print something to hand off to somebody or to file, and can't. I don't know how old the PC is- I know it's "younger" than the MAC, but it has so many ISSUES. The main one being that it has very little security. I'M CONVINCED IT'S BEEN HIGH-JACKED-- BUT NOBODY BELIEVES ME. It makes for a very tough day.

Does anyone feel my daily, hourly pain? A little sympathy would go a little way to helping me feel better. A baseball bat would make it a whole lot better!
Blessings,
TC

The New Deck

How awesome is this? Compliments of my son and brother- and has only cost me 400.00. What a deal. It's huge. Spans 2 sides of my house. Love it. Now if I could just get the bugs to leave me alone long enough to enjoy it.
Let me tell you how peaceful it is to sit out here in the morning while I get my caffeine fix. I am so blessed. Still needs latice, and then stained, but it's a work in progress.
I almost don't recognize my house. In the last 2 years we've put on new siding, installed new windows and doors, had a roof put on, "got" a new kitchen and laundry room and some other, minor stuff. Love it. There's still a bunch of work to be done on the inside- all cosmetic, with the exception of the bathroom remodel, but it's coming along. Wish Lori could see it. I like to think she can.

Not Sure What To Do With Myself...

It's kinda strange that school starts next week... and I'm not enrolled. It's been a long haul. And truth be told, I'm a little lost with all this time. The summer hasn't gone quite as I imagined it would. I thought I would have lots of time to work on all the art projects I've started but not had time with being in school to finish...but that hasn't happened yet. I thought Richard and I would spend bunches more time together than we've been able to do when school is in session... but we've seen each other less than when I was in school (at least I think that's the case). I wish I could figure out all the reasons that I haven't done the things I thought I would, or spent the time the way I thought but I think it boils down to...I've been really lazy. Not that being lazy is a bad thing. And I guess if I asked other people about it they might not agree, but I feel really lazy. I guess I can say I took the summer off.
But now it's time to get back on the ball. Get involved in more activities. Spend more time with the loved ones, and quit being such a introvert. Jump back into the design/art projects. Get the website up and the portfolio together. Freelance. Dream. Explore. Pray.
Anyone interested in helping hold me accountable to my dreams, desires, wishes and goals? I need all the help I can get...

The image above is one of the few projects I've completed this summer. It's a quad-panel display for church. Not sure why but the color comes across as orange when it's really a purplish blue. Oh well. It's been fun. I hope to install it this weekend.
Blessings,
TC